Pushing Ivory

Fireflies are the guardians,

that keep vigil through the rain,

their steady glow must undergo,

the things that never change.

Starlight is a bride of June

she pushes antique ivory after dark,

the songs she makes

the things we take

to eagerly plunge into our hearts.

There's nothing left to say today,

no turning back this untimely dance.

No regrets, just cigarettes

in love and war,

and risky games of chance.

My beloved,

are your roaring, darling?

are you mending summer's dress?

your stow-aways are numbered days

in this madness you've confessed.

In passed lives you took a world by storm,

touched by angels in the sky.

Your gracious reprieve and reverie

continued when you died.

Starlight is a comet passing by

she's goddamn brilliant on the page,

timeless through things we do

as everything continues to age.

Rosemary Ave

There’s a tearstained piece of paper,
blowing aimless in the wind,
Wasteful as the countless tales
You hear of love that doesn’t win.
To me that you wander
like a tremor in my heart.
This is why I wonder if
each soul has a plan and a part?
I’ve basked on center stage.
I’ve waited in the wings,
pulling velvet curtain ropes
as I listened to DC sing.

All is fair in love and war,
we play our lives like lyre from Hell.
In those songs we spin the whole world
Be I angel or devil?
Who can tell?
Inside myself I walk two roads;
heart and mind in separate directions.
My soul lingers everywhere,
with wicked seeds to it’s own destruction.
A broken heart left me weak and shaken
my calloused hands too numb to reach and grip.
I have sucking chest wounds steal my breath,
Her eyes alone could launch ten thousand ships.

To crawl bare belly along this floor,
to gasp and choke on every breath
I hope it is all fear leaving the body,
I fear not life nor shame nor death.
Speak no evil and share no blues,
you swear that’s life long resolution.
Leave no traces but touch the few,
I still think we could’ve had a revolution.
Missing without being missed back
is a devil with no name.
Blood rushing, I hear my heartbeat,
you’d never guess what I became.
Star light star bright,
there will be no tears tonight.
I do wish someone’d tell me though
that no matter what,
it’’s going to be alright.

Burn Away

I don’t care who you are anymore.

I don’t want to see your face.

Oh how the mighty do fall,

and your descent’s a disgrace.

Not only are you not a truth sayer,

you’re not even smart.

You were pretty and got lucky in life

You took a bunch of circumstance, 

then you called it art.

In your sleep and in your dreams,

front to back and in between,

where’s your faith 

where’s your will?

You take all you want

and go for the kill.

It’s on the street 

it’s in the air.

You can feel me everywhere,

I’m your passion

I’m your shame,

But you were no moth

to this wiser flame.

Love is gone but I’m still here,

in your laughter in your tears.

I’m the one you’ll miss the most,

I’m your hero

I’m your ghost.

Burn the pictures and burn the letters,

set fire to anything we had together,

From those ashes I will rise

Spread my wings and touch the sky.

I’m in your soul and leached into your head

I’m the one you will not forget.

Oh the ways I could make you feel,

brave Achilles,

I’m at your heals.

You feel you’re sleeping in my stare,

but when you wake there’s nothing there.

I’m the whisper buried deep in your shouts 

You walked away but there’s no way out.

Fly Away

Won’t you feel sorry for me, Jesus?
Won’t you send me down my peace?
My hands are sore and frozen
When will the racing madness cease?
6:00 PM has rolled me over,
I suppose I’ve passed another day.
I’m giving up on rites and worship
on my knees so long it hurts to pray.

I’ve been caught up in the rapture.
I’ve been crushed like a tin can by the pain.
I lived through the anxious nights
marred by solitude and cobalt rain
I walked across the graveyard,
outside of St. Alban’s church alone.
It secured me safe passage
for thy without sin cast the first stone. 

I miss my young hands
I miss my young face,
and I can not keep warm
in change’s tight embrace.
As this time of trouble
goes on and on for days
I find my strength in knowing 
that I can simply fly away.

Won’t you understand me, Jesus,
hold my hand down this long pier? 
There’s a silver angel near my heart
and there’s Delilah in my hair.
Won’t you hold me, Jesus?
when I fly away from here?
The storm’s fury blows it all away
and everything seems clear.

I walk out to the river and I listen for the thunder,
my body starts to shiver and I feel myself go under.
Jesus, won’t you pay attention?
Jesus, won’t you save the day?
I deserve less than what you gave me,
so now’s the time to fly away.

NW Ponderosa

Prepare for the blades of Heaven,
calm yourself the night has come.
You’re living and dying 
all the years you live 
So yes, it all has just begun.
This cool Sunday night is passing
quick like water through my hands.
The sanction I find in your laughter
starts like a pinprick 
then the ripples span.

You move me like the roaring thunder.
You shake me like a crashing wave.
This is the apex of my survival,
the saints are singing “Amazing Grace”.
Until they close that coffin
I’ll be my mother fucking self.
I’m a white tiger on the prowl
with my blueprints and my health.
And I wish not to be who I am not.
I’m to old to be under lock and key
maybe that’s calling the kettle black
but no one tells me how to be.

Have a love bigger than an ocean.
Don’t regret drifting a world apart.
Find that will that’s stronger than emotion
and find enough room in your heart.
You might have to be extra forgiving
and everything could go wrong
but if helter skelter were tomorrow
I need you to be super strong.
Go rest against me and sigh,
it’s such a long journey 
will we ever arrive?

Make my road an adventure
aim far; we’re looking for distance.
After all we are going
the less certain path of greater resistance.
That burning sphere is sinking fast,
how longer will the illumination last?
Johnny Cash song’s wafts through the screen door
as tiny ovals burn out of existence tonight.
Right now I want to be somewhere I adore
dancing, laughter, and lilies
on a mid August night.
You move me like the roaring thunder.
You shake me like a crashing wave.
This is the apex of my survival,
the saints are singing “Amazing Grace”.

Trains of Morn

The trains shook me in my amour

which keeps me safe but not warm.

Train whistles like a siren

greeting the hours of a new morn.

I’d pluck the flowers from the treetops

and bend an endless rainbow to see you.

Over the starless morning

these moments are hard to breathe through.

So let’s call it even with the universe

and forget who said what first.

Is that Haley’s comet flying by?

We live in sin and then we die.

I’ll be just fine

right here in my room.

It’s the end of the world

not to be over soon.

I’ll be just fine

sorting it out by myself.

I’ll do just fine,

I don’t need any help.

I’ll go soaring through the fireworks

until I reach your ports.

Until my vessel reaches your harbor

I’ll never feel completely sure.

The morning shook me like a freight train

and hustled me like a street,

but at least I krept through the night

and past the corners from my sleep.

Good to Be Writing

This year’s finally dying

and I’m glad to see it go,

false profits, mindless drama

heart break and not enough snow.

Early mornings I spent crying;

my dearest Athena, rest in peace.

You were you truly exuberant,

now I’m broken to say the least.

I can’t sleep at night anymore

days seem shorter than they’ve been,

I may fall or crawl the walls

 but at least it’s good to be writing again.

So many dreams dashed

so many promises crushed,

I haven’t had a drop to drink

my head’s as heavy as a lush.

I have lived more than I should have

and all lessons learned in time.

You have to be disappointed to know joy

and pushed to know the line.

I’m looking forward to January,

knowing now the combination,

to the lock that opened my eyes

teaching me silent contemplation.

Maybe a good snow storm and a candle

would move the gravity of my pen

I’ll come out of my room when I’m ready

but at least it’s good to be writing again.

Portland

To be back in the Pacific Northwest,

I hear Portland

she's calling my name.

She needs me

I need her

and if I have to 

I'll take a train.

I want to be there on that day

You see that you're not okay

and laugh with abandon.

It's just a matter of time

this one's on your dime

Oh however did I let you get away?

Terrabithia

Looking at your window
Draped with silver moon glow
Your room looks like a lighthouse
a guardian piercing the night sky.
I can hear the trees sing,
taking me to back when
I could claim your heart my own
and rock you through the night.

I can hear your safe words
rising from the floor boards
Where we spent a late August night
Moving together tight and slow.
Laughing on the porch swing
I just keep remembering
how you promised your love
would never dare let me go.

I never liked the marshland
Until you walked through it with me
Every turn and every inch
held uncertainty.
I always embraced the night
in the smoky foothills I would run
Every night I lived through
was a day that might not come.

Through the dusky pathways
passion’s my open gateway,
a bridge to Terrabithia
and deliverance from my shame.
The place where we ran barefoot
deep within the green woods
in time eternal sun and rain.

Long time Love Sick Fool

Some long time ago
is when I must have learned.
The first in love, the last to leave
is the one to surely get burned.
So I never said how I felt,
I kept it bound inside.
Every time a tear escaped,
it felt like a dagger to my pride.
No one ever told me
It’s okay to be afraid,
thinking of just one person
twenty four hours a day.

Who knows how long I’ve loved you
right before your eyes.
You might think I’m stubborn
but I’m your love sick fool inside.
Now that you’re in my life,
nothing is the same.
Time drags on day by day,
but now it’s worth the pain.
Cheers to inspiration
in a mundane world of woe.
You’re the only one that’s special
in a world of pretty souls.

Over the Baltimore skyline
light sweeps into my world.
I know I’m suppose to be a survivor
when I just want to be a girl.
I’ll gladly descend with Dante
for a life that I figured out how to live,
for a love that loved me in return
that’d be more joy than Heaven could give.
I know I’ll never burn,
as long as I stay close to you.
You’ll never be the one to cry
I’m your love sick fool.

Boxcar

It's nine days until Christmas.

There's the smell of pine in the air,

wreaths are up on all the red doors

but the weather's been fair.

I've been working really hard

to save up with all my might.

I'll save up a lot of money

then I'll quit this crazy up.

Everyday I still see you

in all the radio songs.

Calling my name softly,

from where I don't belong.

I wish I had a boxcar 

to ride home on,

Christmas is no day 

to be alone on

I wish I had a boxcar

to ride home on,

Christmas is no day

to be alone on.

It's still the same story

with the pills and the tests.

God take away my tired soul

and lay me down to rest.

The people are so happy,

In the tinsel and the lights.

They make me laugh and smile

then leave me to the night.

I want to fall asleep behind

our old apartment's door,

to take solace in what I know

can't exist here anymore.

I wish I had a boxcar

to ride home on

Christmas is no day 

to be alone on

I wish I had a boxcar

to ride home on

Christmas is no day

to be alone on.

Angel Mercy

I sat alone at our window

trying to steal away your time.

You say “Baby, let it go.”

leave what can’t be salvaged behind.

For no good reason we start to cry.

My tears reluctantly start one by one.

The thunderstorm only hides so much,

this time there’s no where left to run.

Gather me then in your arms

and tear down all my walls.

Like a wrecking ball
 let the daylight in,

oh how the mighty fall.

I’ve been touched by innocent flames

and jumped to love without a name,

God I’ve seen all Hell break loose

but nothing compares to losing you.

That pin prick’s poison in my vein

as is addictively takes away the pain.

If you don’t love me 

then deny me now

because you’ve become the saint somehow.

Read my mind and make me weep,

in my actions, in my sleep.

I’m in love or I’m insane;

tell me now aren’t we the same?

Love's Suicide

A crumpled sheet of paper

I found tucked into a book,

keeps my life long secrets

where no one thought to look.

You still keep my pride

dangling before my face,

making me jump for nothing

because I’ll never touch your grace.

A woeful amount I cried for you

and it turned into a sea

I’d have sacrificed myself

in your waters willingly.

There’s your ring on my finger

with promises past the strife.

Damn, you hateful betrayer,

how you lied.

Watch me shed my skin

from the keyhole in the door.

In this cave I will be brave

Until I can’t feel you anymore.

You stand in the line of fire,

and you shoot straight from the hip.

Bullets can’t skink in me

like the lies leaking from your lips.

So take me to the river

of love’s sweet suicide.

Carry my motionless body

to the other side.

Turn me into another lover,

pull my body down

to your shallow cradle

and let me finally drown

Fifteen

No one knew the password,
I was just fifteen.
You said I could trust you,
and you’d watch over me.
All I remember was the summer,
writing you letters late at night.
I was wading through the river
of ten million shining lights.
I hid your picture safely,
in my pillow case.
So when the nightmares came
I’d feel protected by your grace.
All our prayers were suppose to be answered
and everything was supposed to be alright
Every breath that you would take
Would turn into my lullabies.
The summer wrapped around us
turning the world a kinder hue.
Starry skies and warm green grass,
fireflies were the innocence I knew.
Every single night was perfect,
You carried me away
one more ride with the gondolier,
bless me in the rain.
I still don’t understand
why without a reason you ran away.
I had just learned to fly again
and you turn my body into a cage.
No one knew the password,
I was just fifteen,
You said I could trust you,
and you’d watch over me.

Fever In and Fever Out

Fever in and fever out

tell me what it’s all about.

Chase me down a lover’s lane,

push me until there’s no more pain.

We’re all gods here on the floor.

Deep with thought and so much more.

Covered in dreams I’m still awake

safe and sound

there’s no escape.

I feel love hanging in the air

above the shame 

your proud despair.  

Razors, mirrors, lullabies

hold me close I’ve climbed so high

The more that hits you by the vein

the further you can run away.

Spin my bottle round and round,

ashes to ashes 

we all fall down.

The lights are out

my dance is weak.

Voices steal away my sleep.

There’s no heaven

all is dark

my innocence is down to sparks.

Silence come and fill my head

as I float above this twisted bed

I hear protests 

I hear shouts.

Fever in and fever out.

Sparrow, Brooklyn NY

Awake in a perilous ocean
I'm fighting free from the fall
that that has helped me
hath betrayed me,
and there's no one to blame at all.
I watch the sunrise in Brooklyn.
I'll be in Union Station by dark,
it's not good or bad or meaningful
it's just the way things are.
I'm in love with violin and arches.
I'm feeling war paint heal,
I feel raw in my skin,
I breath in
instantly everything's real.
"You're Phoenix again"
Sparrow said with a grin
oh she smiled the most perfect smile
"I am" I agreed
glad to feel freed
I've been watching myself stumble a mile.
Then she cried
and I asked why.
She believed part of me was forever lost;
over the years
the grinding gears,
she said I couldn't begin to imagine her loss.

Regrets

  

Behind many faces you meddlesomely spy

so let me cut through the crap.

I am an angel,

a white knight

and hell yeah,

I can be every mother's nightmare.

I breathe in the moment

because past is gone

and my life depends on it.

Don't think this mastermind

doesn't have a long game.

I've had my heart broken before,

I was the girl with two tattoos.

What I don't have is regrets

So go fuck you.

The Leafs Haven't Changed

The leafs haven't changed yet

and neither behind veiled night have I.

Curiously lingering in smoldering hope

as a murder of ravens take to the sky.

I will turn into autumn leafs 

to dance September's song

tattoos and train tickets

write a history centuries long.

I could write until I die

and never completely tell you why

I love you unconditionally.

I approach.

I retreat,

like thundering waves of infinity. 

Clumsy Truth

A lie can travel a galaxy 

while the truth puts on it's shoes.

No junk, no soul, no rock and roll

so my spirit sings the blues.

Truth is far from perfect

never simple, never explained

until it's unimportant

because times makes it all change.

We see the past with twenty twenty,

tomorrow is a blind mystery.

tattoos, sun rises, and performances

become my acquisitive history,

The truth is beautiful and dangerous,

and should be handled with certain caution.

Even in the privacy of your own heart,

you never know who's watching, 

Marilyn

I can be crazy, a maniac,

and I have a tangled soul.

I am Valentine's sweet

and I am every mother's nightmare.

I can tear through like a tornado

and can be like harnessing the lightening.
If your courage can't accept me at my worst,

your heart doesn't deserve my best
Never complain,
Never explain,
and never lower your expectations.

St. Dymphna

I

I surrender to the moon's pale vale,

and brace against the wicked undercurrent.  

The wind has no name here.

The sky's the same as the sea

and stars are only a mile in the sky. 

It's where you go when it's all been seen. 

Twilight's shine reflects off my skin,

the tendrils of darkness intertwine 

with the spiraled horns of my demons. 

Even your shadow's invisible at midnight 

without the coy illumination of the moon. 

St. Dymphna pray for me,

press your fingertips down on my wounds,

protect me with your capacious sword 

but I can speak for myself.

Chase after the verity 

  within an inch of your life. 

You'll set yourself free, 

and yet you'll never touch it's coattails. 

Real Awake 2015

Forward: 

You will find people in your life that will prove themselves fools after you've built them in your head to be great truth speakers and they will want to be in your head even if they distance themselves from you.  These false profits live in drama, they need it because they need to feel right all the time.  They will tell a sick person to stop taking medication, they will start rumors and they will use you up.  By the time you realize you've been taken for granted, you've given true parts of yourself just to have them discarded and you're unknowingly competing for attention.  I hold no grudges.  I learn and get on with life.

So I’ve kicked off your manacles

and I have said my fond farewells.

I can see by my reception,

I’ll be seeing a few of you in Hell.

You never gave me back the book.

No one will ever write like that to you again.

I must have been out of my mind.

Thank god little more was exchanged but grins.

I don’t have forever to go on

and I don’t give a damn.

Love desires, love leads

love does not demand.

You were a fool and false prophet.

Your skin is a thin veil,

hiding a very small person

that tells grandiose tales.

I’ll stay with the love that loves back

I want the one I’ve found that wants me too,

I want it uncomplicated,

being in love is the love that comes back to you.

Shifting

I've seen the moon again.

I feel the tides.

The whole world shifting,

to where you reside.

Without reason

without pride

I want to go soul searching

in your eyes.

Whisk me out of solitude,

put me into your splendid verse,

lead me from this spider's web

into the cradle of your universe.

There's a spark in the dark

of the catacombs of my heart,

and reason enough to venture on.

I've been both beast and slave

in darker days

but with you comes the breaking dawn.

Lather

With weathered wings and broken feet
you crawl to me still incomplete.
I close the drapes and put out the light,
only the moon will witness your plight.
I hope that you're as happy
as you pretend to be,
so you can lather your hands in fortune
and finally, finally leave.

Sing to the suicide birds
free from their cage,
and know that all scars
in time will fade.
Time is a harsh mistress
to which we all concede to.
You lay claim to an empire now,
and I wish I could believe you.

Wings of a Dove

Would it be alright

to gamble with you tonight?

There’s nothing below hopeless

and we’ve got nowhere to go.

The stars never beam

without making me dream.

It’s the season to pack it all in

and again time to begin;

I’m breaking at the seams

and at my wits end.

Never mind the neverminds,

and free fall into sweet oblivion.

Capture the hearts of millions,

then give it away to anyone.

I can’t catch every one of your tears

or I’d place them in a box,

ship it away to Jupiter

until all your sadness is lost.

I’d be your midnight angel

a guardian in thin disguise.

Just as frail as the wings of a dove,

there’s fate still shimmering in your eyes.