Portrait

I am resilient 

but I am tired. 

This pain is not who I am,

and will not own me. 

I don't need the devotion

Or to be anyone's one and only,

love's a weapon

time's a trigger

and behind my war paint

it gets lonely. 

Don't feel sorry for me

save your mercyfuck sympathy. 

Stay or leave

think what you want of me

I'm a flicker

I'm a torch,

I make tigers pace back and forth.    

Phoenix

I'm an angel undercover,
I'm every mothers nightmare.
There's no taming the tempest,
I see shackles
I disappear.
Rise up in my face and roar
scream and push,
show me that rage and rain.
I know who you really are
and I secure your heart
in the cradle of my brain.
Everyone's tangled in love's chase,
as my whole world shifts.
Today's the loneliest day of the year,
all the love inside me slips.
With the roof open to the stars
I'm on that twilight ride,
remembering past lifetimes
and effigies of those who died.
The gossip's I'm a bad influence.
The truth's I nurture the nature I see.
Save some face
keep safe,
you'll never find something else like me.

You Will

Pain can be evolution's way of shattering the glass and pulling the alarm. 

You never know an actual weight,

of the love, loss and return.  

Photos, lullabies concert tickets

Sing "Let it Be" and let it burn. 

Grab me off the floor and shake me. 

Size me up and take your shot.     

   You can't take my freedom from me, 

Shake me, break me 

it's all I got. 

One night on the unfeeling road 

certainly won't bend me,

I'm built like the sparrow 

with a mind like a diamond

and a sailor can't offend me. 

 Night's not built just for the maniacs;

it's for the tangled lovers 

it's for the genius;

it's for silent love undercover.  

The most exuberant love 

is unrequited 

no matter how many letters you send. 

A broken heart hurts everyday

 but you will always love her in the end.

Here

You don't punch a hole in the wall,

you burn the whole house to the ground. 

I stand back and watch the blaze,

Raging, sinking into that hallowed sound. 

But if you want, dear,

you can call here.

Come the night

I'll be at the pier. 

And if you need me

you can find me,

Every night you know where I'll be. 

Scream and kick and fight me,

you've come too late for my heart. 

Everyone says they're different 

and then they tear your world apart. 

But if you want, love

I'll lift you above

show them all what I am made of. 

If you're lonely,

you can call me,

not for my heart or soul 

but you'll get what you need. 

Word

Truths

I take care of my own 

but will not take responsibility 

for being anyone's bad influence. 

Don't try to keep up with me

but keep friends in low places. 

Play your hand close to your chest. 

Let them underestimate you.  

You know thyself,

and are clever enough 

to feed candy to the stupid people. 

We are Vikings,

we carry the torches

when the masses require light

to stay on the course of least resistance. 

I will no longer tell anyone 

to never lose hope,

because you can be robbed of all hope;

your soul vandalized

and your character assassinated 

when it's not your fault. 

There are big truths 

and small ones of the master plan. 

Tell the greater actuality 

and show your war paint. 

Never blame anyone for your choices,

we're all damaged goods to someone. 

I can make you unabashedly happy. 

I promise I will be your lullaby. 

Judge me because you're not the same,

and you're the fatuous believing lies. 

The Return of Mr. Badger

 

Amanda Barnabe is the gender fluid queer expression advocate that can best be as the love child of Bettie Page and James Dean.  With over sixteen years experience in community organizing and grassroots leadership, this mad poet has a port in every city with a light in the window. She's survived homelessness, self harm and a leap off the San Fransisco Golden Gate Bridge. Her passions are photography, performing arts and writing poetry. For the copyrighted work of Amanda Barnabe, also fondly known as The Artful Jake Badger, please forward your inquiries to Klein Padron and  Associates.  

Song of Sam

"I know someday you'll have a beautiful life, I know you'll be the sun in somebody else's sky but why, why, why, can't it be mine?" -Pearl Jam

http://youtu.be/cs-XZ_dN4Hc

Heather's Song

The most beautiful girl in the world, 

her smile could change your life. 

She gives you laughter 

She gives you heart

and flawlessly hides her heavy strife. 

I would die for her 

because she'll defend me if I'm wrong. Her loyalty's her lifeblood

she's exuberant, egregious, 

and god damn is that woman strong. 

 

I love you Heather, you're my only!

Soul sisters xoxo

a. 2016

 I want to give it up for Heather Grim.  She's a genius, the person I trust with my life, my real talk straight up soul sister, the strongest person I know and no one works harder than Heather.  And she knock out stunning.  God she's beautiful.  She is my only.  My sister.  This girl was the only one in the world that did not rest while I was in the hospital.  She was getting my property, finding my car, keeping in touch with my connections; this girl saved me.  Everyone, throw one back and burn one for Heather.  She's my best friend and a hero.  I love you baby girl!

Broken Lullaby

“I may have failed but I loved you from the start”

I write you letters

that you’ll never return

and tiger lilies dry in the sun

withering under

the piercing rays prying

at the doors of their life.

I miss you.

Your laugh rips my heart out

as it lingers like a riled spector 

moving through my body.

I don’t think I’ll ever

be without you again,

which is ironically 

what I’ve always wanted.

I am in love with you

but I can’t see you

so I have to get out of this city.

I will miss her 

but she did me wrong,

so I’m walking away

with my back against the rain.

I had to be broken apart,

ripped down to nothing

but a pulse, lifeblood, and bones

and I am unashamed.

But I’ll always love you,

you’re my weakness, my inspiration,

and my addiction,

my pride, my joy, the love of my life,

and you are my fatal affliction.

Love is More

I'm not running away, I'm moving on. Love is beyond the philosophy, more than the earthly limitations of good and evil, and keeps you honest.

Tempest

I'll hold you come the dawn

when love is leaving

as sunlight shines in your tears. 

Secure yourself to me and

I will hold you up, 

I always come home,

and cradle you deep in my heart. 

With your tempest 

I am driving to a fearless future

with whatever tomorrow brings. 

 

Control

You really had me going there. 

Damn I straight up lost control. 

The door drops out,

I kick and shout

Adrenaline grabs me by the soul. 

Tattoo guns and old school gangsters,

sex, drug and rock and roll. 

You shoved me hard 

and shook the bones in me. 

A one inch punch

and you took my home from me. 

I know why 

you're not satisfied,

take what you want,

I still have my pride. 

Your cruelness unwinds me

because a part of me has died.

I loved you for years and years,

and never saw this side. 

I am stronger than romance and chemicals. 

The pyre around me has spoken. 

I might be in seething pain now

but I am far from broken. 

So forgive my manic shock

and remember that I always survive.

She's not the one that broke my heart,

so she rages a riot in my life. 

I'm over it now and cut it loose, 

You know I'm always fine somehow.

I rock back and forth in remorse,

no more foolish regrets allowed. 

Swinging

Come on out kicking and swinging,

I can take you with a hand behind my back. 

You don't get to feel sorry for me,

I leave no debts

I'm in the black. 

I feel your scorn and your horns

I am not the pacing beast. 

Take a look at who's breathing hard 

because it's not me in the very least. 

The market's full of damaged goods. 

You can't capture lovers with a ring,

our hearts only feel what is real,

cage this bird and watch her sing.

So if you're not going to help me

just get the hell out of my way. 

I'm going to compose great things,

and rise above this dramatic decay. 

The Thing About Amanda is...

 

OK. 

Here I am

Imperfect, exposed, honest. 

I feel sorry for you,

because the life I have

makes me a braver person, 

and fortune favors the brave. 

I have learned to grab those bootstraps 

I am ten feet tall and bullet proof. 

I'm affirming this

to remember how the perquisite judge,

and to remind the punks and freaks

to never apologize or change.

People are only grateful

after you've given your last dollar. 

Judgement is selling the drama

and this punk is no fool. 

Don't pretend to like the haters,

have some self respect. 

Too many people

have twisted my kindness

but I refuse to break,

I don't think it's in your heart,

to understand the pain I take. 

I feel sorry for you,

That is really a shame. 

Pushing Ivory

Fireflies are the guardians,

that keep vigil through the rain,

their steady glow must undergo,

the things that never change.

Starlight is a bride of June

she pushes antique ivory after dark,

the songs she makes

the things we take

to eagerly plunge into our hearts.

There's nothing left to say today,

no turning back this untimely dance.

No regrets, just cigarettes

in love and war,

and risky games of chance.

My beloved,

are your roaring, darling?

are you mending summer's dress?

your stow-aways are numbered days

in this madness you've confessed.

In passed lives you took a world by storm,

touched by angels in the sky.

Your gracious reprieve and reverie

continued when you died.

Starlight is a comet passing by

she's goddamn brilliant on the page,

timeless through things we do

as everything continues to age.

Rosemary Ave

There’s a tearstained piece of paper,
blowing aimless in the wind,
Wasteful as the countless tales
You hear of love that doesn’t win.
To me that you wander
like a tremor in my heart.
This is why I wonder if
each soul has a plan and a part?
I’ve basked on center stage.
I’ve waited in the wings,
pulling velvet curtain ropes
as I listened to DC sing.

All is fair in love and war,
we play our lives like lyre from Hell.
In those songs we spin the whole world
Be I angel or devil?
Who can tell?
Inside myself I walk two roads;
heart and mind in separate directions.
My soul lingers everywhere,
with wicked seeds to it’s own destruction.
A broken heart left me weak and shaken
my calloused hands too numb to reach and grip.
I have sucking chest wounds steal my breath,
Her eyes alone could launch ten thousand ships.

To crawl bare belly along this floor,
to gasp and choke on every breath
I hope it is all fear leaving the body,
I fear not life nor shame nor death.
Speak no evil and share no blues,
you swear that’s life long resolution.
Leave no traces but touch the few,
I still think we could’ve had a revolution.
Missing without being missed back
is a devil with no name.
Blood rushing, I hear my heartbeat,
you’d never guess what I became.
Star light star bright,
there will be no tears tonight.
I do wish someone’d tell me though
that no matter what,
it’’s going to be alright.

Burn Away

I don’t care who you are anymore.

I don’t want to see your face.

Oh how the mighty do fall,

and your descent’s a disgrace.

Not only are you not a truth sayer,

you’re not even smart.

You were pretty and got lucky in life

You took a bunch of circumstance, 

then you called it art.

In your sleep and in your dreams,

front to back and in between,

where’s your faith 

where’s your will?

You take all you want

and go for the kill.

It’s on the street 

it’s in the air.

You can feel me everywhere,

I’m your passion

I’m your shame,

But you were no moth

to this wiser flame.

Love is gone but I’m still here,

in your laughter in your tears.

I’m the one you’ll miss the most,

I’m your hero

I’m your ghost.

Burn the pictures and burn the letters,

set fire to anything we had together,

From those ashes I will rise

Spread my wings and touch the sky.

I’m in your soul and leached into your head

I’m the one you will not forget.

Oh the ways I could make you feel,

brave Achilles,

I’m at your heals.

You feel you’re sleeping in my stare,

but when you wake there’s nothing there.

I’m the whisper buried deep in your shouts 

You walked away but there’s no way out.

Fly Away

Won’t you feel sorry for me, Jesus?
Won’t you send me down my peace?
My hands are sore and frozen
When will the racing madness cease?
6:00 PM has rolled me over,
I suppose I’ve passed another day.
I’m giving up on rites and worship
on my knees so long it hurts to pray.

I’ve been caught up in the rapture.
I’ve been crushed like a tin can by the pain.
I lived through the anxious nights
marred by solitude and cobalt rain
I walked across the graveyard,
outside of St. Alban’s church alone.
It secured me safe passage
for thy without sin cast the first stone. 

I miss my young hands
I miss my young face,
and I can not keep warm
in change’s tight embrace.
As this time of trouble
goes on and on for days
I find my strength in knowing 
that I can simply fly away.

Won’t you understand me, Jesus,
hold my hand down this long pier? 
There’s a silver angel near my heart
and there’s Delilah in my hair.
Won’t you hold me, Jesus?
when I fly away from here?
The storm’s fury blows it all away
and everything seems clear.

I walk out to the river and I listen for the thunder,
my body starts to shiver and I feel myself go under.
Jesus, won’t you pay attention?
Jesus, won’t you save the day?
I deserve less than what you gave me,
so now’s the time to fly away.

NW Ponderosa

Prepare for the blades of Heaven,
calm yourself the night has come.
You’re living and dying 
all the years you live 
So yes, it all has just begun.
This cool Sunday night is passing
quick like water through my hands.
The sanction I find in your laughter
starts like a pinprick 
then the ripples span.

You move me like the roaring thunder.
You shake me like a crashing wave.
This is the apex of my survival,
the saints are singing “Amazing Grace”.
Until they close that coffin
I’ll be my mother fucking self.
I’m a white tiger on the prowl
with my blueprints and my health.
And I wish not to be who I am not.
I’m to old to be under lock and key
maybe that’s calling the kettle black
but no one tells me how to be.

Have a love bigger than an ocean.
Don’t regret drifting a world apart.
Find that will that’s stronger than emotion
and find enough room in your heart.
You might have to be extra forgiving
and everything could go wrong
but if helter skelter were tomorrow
I need you to be super strong.
Go rest against me and sigh,
it’s such a long journey 
will we ever arrive?

Make my road an adventure
aim far; we’re looking for distance.
After all we are going
the less certain path of greater resistance.
That burning sphere is sinking fast,
how longer will the illumination last?
Johnny Cash song’s wafts through the screen door
as tiny ovals burn out of existence tonight.
Right now I want to be somewhere I adore
dancing, laughter, and lilies
on a mid August night.
You move me like the roaring thunder.
You shake me like a crashing wave.
This is the apex of my survival,
the saints are singing “Amazing Grace”.